Monday - Nov 21, 2016 @ 4:54 am
Random things I need to get off my chest, in no particular order.
•I know I’m hard to love. Probably impossible. Hell, my own mother never loved me, why would anyone else? I keep my guard up and I have trust issues. Those trust issues have been at an all time high the past year and a half or so, and for good reason. I’ll be okay though. I just want to feel nothing.. and I keep myself numb by keeping walls up. It’s just what I do. And I just can’t allow myself to let someone in, when they are the reason I have these massive walls up in the first place. All of the mistrust and disappointment.. and I know that I’m a good person. I’m good enough, and fuck him for ever making me feel like I wasn’t and putting that doubt in my head. Fuck him for making me question myself. I don’t deserve that, and I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I’m broken, yes.. but I want to piece myself back together. I’m trying to.
•I know I’m screwed up in a lot of ways. Who wouldn’t be if they were me? I’m not trying to make excuses for it, but it’s the truth. We are all products of our environment.. and it’s a known fact that a person’s childhood and the way they were or weren’t shown love as a child affects EVERY aspect of their life from then on. I’m still working on trying to undo the damage that GROWN UPS did when I was a child, and I’m still working on trying to undo the damage that other people have done to me.. people I trusted. And I’m still trying to undo the damage that I’ve done to myself. It’s hard.
•People who say shit like "Stop living in the past." or "That was the past, get over it." are usually the same people that caused the pain in your past that you are having trouble getting over. No one likes to be reminded of the rotten shit they did, and most people don’t want to take responsibility for their fucked up actions that caused another person pain. Everyone is different. People get over things in their own time, or they don’t get over them at all. It really depends on the extent of the damage that was done and how it affected that particular person. If or when I "get over" shit is up to me, and I will when I’m ready.. ready to trust and ready to let my walls down. And if I’m never ready, oh well. That’s just part of the consequences of someone’s fucked up choices. You can’t destroy someone and then change your mind and expect them to just be okay with it. That’s not logical nor realistic.
•Maybe I am "batshit crazy." But I wasn’t always that way.. Dealing with someone who acts super fucking shady and causes me to question myself from one day to the next will do that to a person. I’ve heard him use that term when referencing his last girlfriend, and the one before that, and his child’s mom. Maybe the reason they are all "batshit crazy" is because they had to deal with his head games, emotional games, cheating, lying and unstable bipolar bullshit. Not saying I don’t have a lot of issues, I own that. I admit it. But it can’t ALL be everyone else that’s "crazy."
•I know I say some fucked up stuff.. I am not proud of myself for that and I don’t have any real excuses for some of the shit that I say when I’m mad. I get so frustrated and hurt and angry, and he just keeps acting like he can’t be bothered with me. He purposely does things that upset me, repeatedly saying the same thing over and over… calling me stupid and an idiot.. calling me crazy.. laughing at me.. the whole eye roll thing. I sometimes feel like I’m dealing with a child, and it’s so frustrating when he acts like he just doesn’t give a shit and wants me to disappear. It makes me actually want to disappear. Maybe I will.
•"Dr Psychology." Really? I don’t even know what to think about that.. he tries to insult me and put me down because of what? I’m going to school and trying to better myself? That’s pathetic, and quite low.
•He makes these little snide comments to me quite often about my life and my choices and how I’m lucky I have this or that. It has nothing to do with luck. I spend most of my day either doing school work or earning money to pay for the things that I’m "lucky" to have. I’m exhausted. I’m so tired of him trying to make me feel bad when the only reason he is in the situation he is in is because he chose to be. I have never judged him because of his choices or told him what to do, but at the same time he’s wrong for trying to make me feel guilty because my situation is slightly better. SLIGHTLY. Hell, in my opinion he’s better off than I am right now. He has family at least. He has people who care about him and love him. I have nothing, no one. If I were unable to pay my rent, or bills, or got evicted.. I’m absolutely fucked. I don’t have someone I can call to help me. He wouldn’t be able to help me. I don’t have family I can go live with or ask for a little money to help get me through. I have NO ONE AND NOTHING. I don’t even have anywhere to spend Thanksgiving. He’ll be spending Thanksgiving with his family. I don’t feel sorry for myself though, it’s life.
•Talking to me about stuff.. yeah that never happens. He doesn’t ever want to talk to me about anything that matters.. about LIFE. He’ll talk to me about video games, about movies, sports, sex, or other people. But as far as any real issues between us, or anything even remotely important, nope. I need someone who can talk to me and include my in their life. If he can’t do that, that’s fine.. it’s his choice, but I can’t continue to invest time and love into someone who can’t even make an effort to work on things or talk about things. I’m to the point where I simply shut down when it comes to him. How can he expect me to talk to him and share the important parts of myself and my life with him when he can’t do the same? How can I be expected to open up and let someone in, and tell them my deepest thoughts, fears, anxieties.. I feel like when I do try to talk to him about ANYTHING, he doesn’t want to hear it or feel like listening. I feel like I’m talking to myself or rambling on to deaf ears. Or annoying him with all the talking. Why the hell would I, or anyone, want to feel that way?
•I really don’t have time for all of the drama. I have all of this school work to do. Especially this coming week. I have an eight page paper due Tuesday night that I haven’t even started yet. I’m pretty sure I’ll get it done but still.. it’s a lot of work. I did finish one class up tonight. I’m proud of myself for that. Three more to complete within the next two weeks and then I get a month off of school. I’m looking forward to that month off because I’m wore out.
•Friendships and relationships are supposed to make your life better. The people you choose to have any sort of relationship with are supposed to be a positive influence in your life. If they make you feel bad, or sad, or question yourself and doubt yourself, if they make life harder in ANY WAY, then they shouldn’t be allowed to be a part of your life. No one wants to be around people who make their days worse or unhappy. I do everything I can to help make his life better.. I truly absolutely do. I don’t get that from him.
•I know that no matter what happens, I’ll be okay. It might take some time to get to the point where I feel okay again, but eventually I’ll get there.
•I want to have things to look forward to. I want to be a better person. I want to lose weight, instead of gaining it. I want to feel pretty, and I want to know what it’s like to be loved and have someone want just me.. JUST ME. Not me and anyone else that may come long or me until someone better comes along. Me. I am a loyal person and I deserve loyalty in return.
•Even though I have all of these negative thoughts about myself and about HIM, and US in general.. I don’t think he’s a horrible person. I obviously see good in him or I wouldn’t feel the way I do. I don’t wish bad things upon him, it’s just the opposite actually. I care for him more than he probably realizes, but I am smart enough to know that it’s not always enough just to love someone or care about them. We can never seem to get on the same page. It’s frustrating to no end.
•Being the person that I am, the way that my brain works and the way that I process things.. I need someone stable and consistent in my life. I need someone whose feelings don’t change when the wind changes direction, someone whose behavior doesn’t change dramatically and leave me confused and questioning why they suddenly are acting different. Experts say that one of the biggest tell tale signs of someone cheating on you is that they suddenly become really affectionate because they either feel guilty or they are trying to hide their infidelity. Granted, he and I weren’t an actual ‘couple’ but still.. And whether or not he is or was talking to someone else AGAIN, it doesn’t change the fact that there is no trust. I don’t want to feel this way.. But I also don’t need to be told I’m stupid or an idiot or laughed at because I feel the way I do. When a person changes their behavior towards me abruptly, I’m going to question it. Period. I have been on this emotional roller coaster for so long.. where I don’t always know where I stand with him. He doesn’t understand why I feel that way, but he’s not me. I never did the things to him that he did to me. I remember about a year ago we had a conversation where he asked me point blank to "be his girlfriend." He literally said "I’m being serious." Then two days later we were talking about some movie we were watching and he said "If I had a girlfriend.. blah blah blah." After that, I decided that I could never take anything he says to me about our "relationship" seriously. I take it with a grain of salt and just go about my day now. I’ve been made a fool and burned by him too many times now. So if he truly can’t understand why I don’t like it when he goes from just being his normal self to calling me "my love" and "baby" all the time.. that’s HIS problem. And when I tell him it makes me uncomfortable and his response is "Oh well, I’m going to call you what I want to call you and say what I want," tells me that he does not care about nor respect my feelings.
•We both said some horrible shit to one another. As much as I hate to admit it, I am just as much of the problem as he is. Also, as much as I hate to admit it, I think we are both better off just going our separate ways. Both of us would be better off.. not just me. As easy as it is to blame him for everything and to say "he says this and he does this and blah blah blah," the truth is that it would be best for the both of us to move on with our lives. For me, being the person that I am.. being as screwed up as I am, I need someone in my life that I can trust, and believe in. Yes, I’m insecure. Yes, I have trust issues. Trying to make some kind of relationship work with someone who has shown me such an awful, ugly side to them is not healthy for me. And he needs someone who hasn’t got that past with him. Someone who hasn’t been through so much shit, someone he hasn’t emotionally destroyed with games and lies. He needs a fresh start with someone who trusts him and who can be the person he wants them to be. Yep, it sucks to admit it, but the truth sucks.
•It took quite a while to write all of this, but now that I have, I feel a little relief. I haven’t blogged about anything like this in a while because saying things out loud sometimes is hard. It makes the problems and issues real. It makes MY crazy shit real and I don’t want to have all of this crazy shit. But I do. I have to own it. I have to talk about it with someone.. and since there’s really no one, I turned to the one thing that has always been there for me. I feel a little better right now, so writing all of this down has served its purpose.