It’s really been nearly five months since I’ve written anything here. Five months.. and what’s sad is I tell myself all the time that I should, that it’s good therapy, that it’ll help.. but then I don’t. It’s because words aren’t always easy. Saying certain things is sometimes hard. I used to be able to communicate what I was thinking or feeling.. or work my own shit out in my head or on here.. but for a while know that has not been the case. I need to get it figured out though. For my own mental and emotional well being.
As always, there are so many things I think about every day, and so many things I want to say. So much shit to get off my chest that I get overwhelmed at where to start. I know I’m not normal. I know I don’t deal with my problems like a normal person. But problems I do have, and they need to be dealt with somehow. I just don’t know where to begin anymore.
I’m going to try to begin with the first thing I thought about when I woke up.
Last night S and I sort of had talked about some of the shit going on in his life and how he was feeling about it. I try to be a good listener.. I really do. Being a good listener doesn’t require a person to respond or give advice, just to listen. But I find myself trying to give him advice.. or he will outright ask for it, and then he gets pissed because it’s not what he wants to hear I guess. But I take the blame for that.. he doesn’t need me or anyone else to tell him what they think he should do. He’s gonna do what he wants, and that’s that.
But as I sat there listening to him.. and trying to understand and empathize, I couldn’t help but feel like he was placing blame for the way things are on everyone else.. myself included. It bothered me a lot and I wanted to address some of the things he said but at the same time, I wasn’t trying to make it about me. It wasn’t the time nor the place to say “Wait a minute.. don’t put this on me..” So I didn’t say anything about it.
But I can’t stop thinking about it.. so here I am.
I don’t want to be made to feel responsible for why someone else’s life is “harder” or whatever it is that him “trying to please everyone” is doing to him. (Who is he really trying to please anyway?) He makes these little snide remarks sometimes about how if he didn’t do this or he didn’t do that, it causes problems with us and I get mad at him. Like he got a phone just for me.. or got a ride just so that he could be home instead of at his brother’s.. just for me. Nope. I never once got mad at him because he didn’t have a phone.. I got mad at him because he doesn’t care enough to make sure that I know he’s okay when he’s not going to be around for a day or two. Like I’m not important enough to keep informed, so if I worry.. oh well fuck it. Who am I, right? Obviously no one.
So as I sat there listening to him.. and he asked for my thoughts and opinions on some of it, but then he refused to take any of the things I said into consideration, or he got mad at me and raised his voice because he didn’t like what I said.. whatever, I tried to see things from his point of view. I really did. But I realize that it’s not my place to say anything to him about anything. I can listen.. and I can let him vent and get mad, but I just have to keep my mouth shut because when people vent, they don’t need a response.. they just need to vent. So yeah, I do feel I was wrong there. I shouldn’t have said anything.
I wish I could help him but honestly.. I can barely help myself right now. I am still trying to figure out how to fix my own problems. I am at a bad place now.. and have been for a very long time, and it’s just getting worse as time goes on because I have been avoiding dealing with shit. The “old me” would not be so avoidant, but it’s easier, and after awhile it becomes kind of a habit to just ignore things. Ignoring things doesn’t make them go away though.
God, I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out. Thinking about everything, going over it all in my head.. it’s overwhelming. It gets hard to breathe. I have to take a few steps back and re-evaluate, get my bearings, and figure out what I’m going to do to make shit better for me.. so that I can get back to a healthier place, mentally and eventually physically.
I want things to be good..
Life is fucking hard.
Random things I need to get off my chest, in no particular order.
•I know I’m hard to love. Probably impossible. Hell, my own mother never loved me, why would anyone else? I keep my guard up and I have trust issues. Those trust issues have been at an all time high the past year and a half or so, and for good reason. I’ll be okay though. I just want to feel nothing.. and I keep myself numb by keeping walls up. It’s just what I do. And I just can’t allow myself to let someone in, when they are the reason I have these massive walls up in the first place. All of the mistrust and disappointment.. and I know that I’m a good person. I’m good enough, and fuck him for ever making me feel like I wasn’t and putting that doubt in my head. Fuck him for making me question myself. I don’t deserve that, and I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I’m broken, yes.. but I want to piece myself back together. I’m trying to.
•I know I’m screwed up in a lot of ways. Who wouldn’t be if they were me? I’m not trying to make excuses for it, but it’s the truth. We are all products of our environment.. and it’s a known fact that a person’s childhood and the way they were or weren’t shown love as a child affects EVERY aspect of their life from then on. I’m still working on trying to undo the damage that GROWN UPS did when I was a child, and I’m still working on trying to undo the damage that other people have done to me.. people I trusted. And I’m still trying to undo the damage that I’ve done to myself. It’s hard.
•People who say shit like "Stop living in the past." or "That was the past, get over it." are usually the same people that caused the pain in your past that you are having trouble getting over. No one likes to be reminded of the rotten shit they did, and most people don’t want to take responsibility for their fucked up actions that caused another person pain. Everyone is different. People get over things in their own time, or they don’t get over them at all. It really depends on the extent of the damage that was done and how it affected that particular person. If or when I "get over" shit is up to me, and I will when I’m ready.. ready to trust and ready to let my walls down. And if I’m never ready, oh well. That’s just part of the consequences of someone’s fucked up choices. You can’t destroy someone and then change your mind and expect them to just be okay with it. That’s not logical nor realistic.
•Maybe I am "batshit crazy." But I wasn’t always that way.. Dealing with someone who acts super fucking shady and causes me to question myself from one day to the next will do that to a person. I’ve heard him use that term when referencing his last girlfriend, and the one before that, and his child’s mom. Maybe the reason they are all "batshit crazy" is because they had to deal with his head games, emotional games, cheating, lying and unstable bipolar bullshit. Not saying I don’t have a lot of issues, I own that. I admit it. But it can’t ALL be everyone else that’s "crazy."
•I know I say some fucked up stuff.. I am not proud of myself for that and I don’t have any real excuses for some of the shit that I say when I’m mad. I get so frustrated and hurt and angry, and he just keeps acting like he can’t be bothered with me. He purposely does things that upset me, repeatedly saying the same thing over and over… calling me stupid and an idiot.. calling me crazy.. laughing at me.. the whole eye roll thing. I sometimes feel like I’m dealing with a child, and it’s so frustrating when he acts like he just doesn’t give a shit and wants me to disappear. It makes me actually want to disappear. Maybe I will.
•"Dr Psychology." Really? I don’t even know what to think about that.. he tries to insult me and put me down because of what? I’m going to school and trying to better myself? That’s pathetic, and quite low.
•He makes these little snide comments to me quite often about my life and my choices and how I’m lucky I have this or that. It has nothing to do with luck. I spend most of my day either doing school work or earning money to pay for the things that I’m "lucky" to have. I’m exhausted. I’m so tired of him trying to make me feel bad when the only reason he is in the situation he is in is because he chose to be. I have never judged him because of his choices or told him what to do, but at the same time he’s wrong for trying to make me feel guilty because my situation is slightly better. SLIGHTLY. Hell, in my opinion he’s better off than I am right now. He has family at least. He has people who care about him and love him. I have nothing, no one. If I were unable to pay my rent, or bills, or got evicted.. I’m absolutely fucked. I don’t have someone I can call to help me. He wouldn’t be able to help me. I don’t have family I can go live with or ask for a little money to help get me through. I have NO ONE AND NOTHING. I don’t even have anywhere to spend Thanksgiving. He’ll be spending Thanksgiving with his family. I don’t feel sorry for myself though, it’s life.
•Talking to me about stuff.. yeah that never happens. He doesn’t ever want to talk to me about anything that matters.. about LIFE. He’ll talk to me about video games, about movies, sports, sex, or other people. But as far as any real issues between us, or anything even remotely important, nope. I need someone who can talk to me and include my in their life. If he can’t do that, that’s fine.. it’s his choice, but I can’t continue to invest time and love into someone who can’t even make an effort to work on things or talk about things. I’m to the point where I simply shut down when it comes to him. How can he expect me to talk to him and share the important parts of myself and my life with him when he can’t do the same? How can I be expected to open up and let someone in, and tell them my deepest thoughts, fears, anxieties.. I feel like when I do try to talk to him about ANYTHING, he doesn’t want to hear it or feel like listening. I feel like I’m talking to myself or rambling on to deaf ears. Or annoying him with all the talking. Why the hell would I, or anyone, want to feel that way?
•I really don’t have time for all of the drama. I have all of this school work to do. Especially this coming week. I have an eight page paper due Tuesday night that I haven’t even started yet. I’m pretty sure I’ll get it done but still.. it’s a lot of work. I did finish one class up tonight. I’m proud of myself for that. Three more to complete within the next two weeks and then I get a month off of school. I’m looking forward to that month off because I’m wore out.
•Friendships and relationships are supposed to make your life better. The people you choose to have any sort of relationship with are supposed to be a positive influence in your life. If they make you feel bad, or sad, or question yourself and doubt yourself, if they make life harder in ANY WAY, then they shouldn’t be allowed to be a part of your life. No one wants to be around people who make their days worse or unhappy. I do everything I can to help make his life better.. I truly absolutely do. I don’t get that from him.
•I know that no matter what happens, I’ll be okay. It might take some time to get to the point where I feel okay again, but eventually I’ll get there.
•I want to have things to look forward to. I want to be a better person. I want to lose weight, instead of gaining it. I want to feel pretty, and I want to know what it’s like to be loved and have someone want just me.. JUST ME. Not me and anyone else that may come long or me until someone better comes along. Me. I am a loyal person and I deserve loyalty in return.
•Even though I have all of these negative thoughts about myself and about HIM, and US in general.. I don’t think he’s a horrible person. I obviously see good in him or I wouldn’t feel the way I do. I don’t wish bad things upon him, it’s just the opposite actually. I care for him more than he probably realizes, but I am smart enough to know that it’s not always enough just to love someone or care about them. We can never seem to get on the same page. It’s frustrating to no end.
•Being the person that I am, the way that my brain works and the way that I process things.. I need someone stable and consistent in my life. I need someone whose feelings don’t change when the wind changes direction, someone whose behavior doesn’t change dramatically and leave me confused and questioning why they suddenly are acting different. Experts say that one of the biggest tell tale signs of someone cheating on you is that they suddenly become really affectionate because they either feel guilty or they are trying to hide their infidelity. Granted, he and I weren’t an actual ‘couple’ but still.. And whether or not he is or was talking to someone else AGAIN, it doesn’t change the fact that there is no trust. I don’t want to feel this way.. But I also don’t need to be told I’m stupid or an idiot or laughed at because I feel the way I do. When a person changes their behavior towards me abruptly, I’m going to question it. Period. I have been on this emotional roller coaster for so long.. where I don’t always know where I stand with him. He doesn’t understand why I feel that way, but he’s not me. I never did the things to him that he did to me. I remember about a year ago we had a conversation where he asked me point blank to "be his girlfriend." He literally said "I’m being serious." Then two days later we were talking about some movie we were watching and he said "If I had a girlfriend.. blah blah blah." After that, I decided that I could never take anything he says to me about our "relationship" seriously. I take it with a grain of salt and just go about my day now. I’ve been made a fool and burned by him too many times now. So if he truly can’t understand why I don’t like it when he goes from just being his normal self to calling me "my love" and "baby" all the time.. that’s HIS problem. And when I tell him it makes me uncomfortable and his response is "Oh well, I’m going to call you what I want to call you and say what I want," tells me that he does not care about nor respect my feelings.
•We both said some horrible shit to one another. As much as I hate to admit it, I am just as much of the problem as he is. Also, as much as I hate to admit it, I think we are both better off just going our separate ways. Both of us would be better off.. not just me. As easy as it is to blame him for everything and to say "he says this and he does this and blah blah blah," the truth is that it would be best for the both of us to move on with our lives. For me, being the person that I am.. being as screwed up as I am, I need someone in my life that I can trust, and believe in. Yes, I’m insecure. Yes, I have trust issues. Trying to make some kind of relationship work with someone who has shown me such an awful, ugly side to them is not healthy for me. And he needs someone who hasn’t got that past with him. Someone who hasn’t been through so much shit, someone he hasn’t emotionally destroyed with games and lies. He needs a fresh start with someone who trusts him and who can be the person he wants them to be. Yep, it sucks to admit it, but the truth sucks.
•It took quite a while to write all of this, but now that I have, I feel a little relief. I haven’t blogged about anything like this in a while because saying things out loud sometimes is hard. It makes the problems and issues real. It makes MY crazy shit real and I don’t want to have all of this crazy shit. But I do. I have to own it. I have to talk about it with someone.. and since there’s really no one, I turned to the one thing that has always been there for me. I feel a little better right now, so writing all of this down has served its purpose.
School is truly kicking my butt. I have so much to do, and I guess I should probably cut down on my “Destiny” time.. but that’s also time I spend with Seth. I am just so exhausted. Emotionally, especially.
Seth. Nothing really ever changes with THAT. I mean, we SAY we are going to make changes, and start talking about things but it never happens. I get mixed signals from him a lot. Especially when other people are around. It makes me feel confused, lost, frustrated and angry. It’s almost exasperating. I’m not a super needy, lovey dovey mushy type of a person.. but some still, something would be nice. It’s hard for me to feel affectionate towards someone who when I act affectionately, am greeted with nothing in return. It just adds to the “walls” and the “distance.” I need someone who says what they mean, and means what they say. Oh well, more to add to the emotional exhaustion.
Again with Seth. I’m worried about him.. it seems like he isn’t all that worried but I am. I wish I could help him, but I just can’t right now. I am just barely able to pay my own shit right now. School takes away from work so money is really tight for me right now. I do feel bad that I can’t help him, that’s just my nature I guess. I’m the “fixer” and I always try to help people I care about, sometimes to my own detriment. There’s this voice in the back of my head though.. that reminds me of how he’s never really helped me when I needed it. Or been there for me when I needed him.. and I’m not talking about just financially. Emotionally, he’s never been there and that’s way more important to me. I remember when my friend Tracy died.. he was no where to be found. And last summer when my uncle died, who sadly was the closest thing I had to a father, he was no where to be found. As a matter of fact, both times he decided was a good time to go and find “other” people to give his time and attention to. It’s a pattern I guess.. and it sucks. I try not to let that voice into my head too much though, because in the long run, I do care about him and I want good things for him. And truth be told, no matter how much he has hurt me in the past, if I was able to help him I would. I’ve even thought about just letting him come stay with me.. he’s hinted at it and made suggestions a few times, but that would probably be the worst thing I could do right now.. for myself. That’s a big deal to me, letting someone live in my home, sharing my daily life with them. I have to have 100% trust in someone to allow that and I’m already so messed up and full of anxiety, I can’t imagine how bad it would be if he were living here. It sucks, because not only would it be financially beneficial, we both do really care about each other. But it sucks more for him because he made the decisions he made.. and those decisions are the reason I don’t trust him and can’t imagine living in the same home as him.. I mean God, what happens if he were to “cheat” on me then? I’m just not at the point where I can up and leave or change my whole life around.. maybe when my son is out of the house and it’s just me, but right now I can’t even fathom the idea. And he’s a grown man, I can’t be responsible for his decisions and the consequences of the decisions he makes. It doesn’t mean I don’t care.. because I care so much.
I am tired of being unhappy. I know I have changes to make in my life and a lot of those changes have more to do with my emotional/mental well being than anything else. Because no matter what is going on in your life, no matter how much money you do or don’t have, or what you look like or if you are single or married or anything.. no matter what, if your “mind” is not right, and your “heart” is not right, nothing will be right.
Well there are a lot of other things I wanted to write here but I have other things I need to do right now.
While I have some quiet time I figured I would write here. It’s been awhile anyway and as always, I have a lot on my mind.
Today, or yesterday rather, was not a bad day. I’ve had a lot more bad days than not over the past year or so.. so I appreciate the ‘not bad’ days quite a bit. I’m not saying it was an overly good day. Nothing exceptionally great happened, but nothing bad happened. There was no fighting, no anger, no stress, no feelings of inadequacy, no crying myself to sleep or crying period. Just calm.
I did good last night. I didn’t contact *him* at all. There were a few times when I almost texted him, but I stopped myself because I know exactly how it would go.. and I really don’t feel like being told how much he ‘cares about me’ and then being blown off or ignored. It hurts my feelings, it makes me angry, and causes me to feel hatred towards him. I don’t want to hate him, I really don’t. And as hard as it was for me not to contact him, because I do miss him.. he’s not all bad, there are good things about him.. I know that it’ll get easier with time.
I’m not worried about him trying to talk to me.. that would take more effort than our ‘friendship’ was actually worth to him. And that’s something I have to accept. I can’t be mad at that.. I know logically I can’t force a person to care about me or want to work things out with me, but I can be mad at the fact that he plays with my emotions. I don’t want to be mad anymore, though. I don’t want to be sad either.
I’ve been trying to keep the negative thoughts and feelings out of my head. I’m trying to avoid resenting him or being angry.. angry at the fact that nothing about our ‘friendship’ seems to matter to him. He’s like a lump of nothingness. No emotions, no anything. Whether I’m around or not makes no difference in his life. I could die tomorrow and it would make absolutely no difference, nothing would change for him. He would just go about his day as usual like it was nothing, because obviously it is nothing and I am nothing to him. And I have to be okay with that, for my own sanity. I have to stop questioning my self-worth and second guessing myself. I have to stop wondering what’s so wrong with me or why he doesn’t care. I’m good enough. I’m enough. It’s his loss that he can’t see that.
I have to be okay with the fact that if it weren’t for me spending what little money I had on his stupid game he wouldn’t be playing it. It bugs the shit out of me that he continues to use my netflix account.. I mean it’s fucked up that he doesn’t give a shit about me or our so called friendship but has no problem using my shit that I pay for..? That makes me feel kind of used in a way.. but I’m not a petty person. I will leave it for a little while. I have to be okay with the fact that he’d gladly take money or ‘gifts’ from me while lying straight to me about stupid bullshit because he doesn’t respect nor care enough to not be fucking shady. I have to be okay with it because otherwise I’ll go insane. I don’t, however, have to accept it nor do I have to keep putting up with it. And I have to be okay with the fact that as many times as he’s said he cares and as many times as I’ve told him explicitly what’s wrong or what I need, he was incapable of being my person… because he just didn’t care enough to be. I still don’t understand, it’s not like I asked for much… loyalty, respect, some of his time.. I mean when you tell someone you love them, that person will have certain expectations. They’ll expect they can depend on you (even though I should have known better) and they’ll trust that you’ll have their back, be supportive and emotionally present in their life.. or hell, maybe that’s just me.
I need that though. Someone I can count on. Someone who is there for me.. someone who I can be myself around and talk to about anything with.. ANYTHING. Someone who is on my team. It’s not a lot to ask.. not for the right person.
I know he’s not perfect and neither am I by any means.. no where near it at all. I never wanted nor expected perfection. I know I’m damaged and screwed up. I know I don’t deal with my problems or handle my emotions like a ‘normal’ person. He’s right about some things.. like me calling him names or ‘belittling him’ as he puts it. It doesn’t do either of us any good. I think I just get so hurt and angry at him for not giving a shit, and so frustrating from him SAYING he cares but showing me how little he actually does.. and from wanting a reaction and getting nothing.. It hurts and I lash out wanting to hurt him back. But it doesn’t hurt him. The only person I’m hurting by wanting him to care or trying to get him to care is myself.
So I have to stop.
I also know that he’s not the most horrible person in the world.. but I guess there’s just been so much damage done, so many little (and a few big) things that have hurt my heart. It’s hard for me to see the good anymore. He can’t possibly be happy with someone who feels that way about him. He deserves to be happy too.. and maybe one of the other ‘girls’ he talks to can make him happy, because there’s no ‘damage’ there..
There’s a saying.. I can’t remember who said it and I don’t feel like Googling but it goes something like.. “People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel,” and that’s all I know.. how he’s made me feel. It does make me sad.. but I’ll eventually be okay.
I don’t say all of this with any type of animosity. I don’t feel that right now. I feel calm. I feel okay. I need to continue to feel okay. I do hurt, and I do feel little twinges of anger but I push those feelings away as best I can. It will get easier with each day that passes so I just have to keep going and keep being okay.
I’m staying positive.. gonna focus on school work and just stay busy with whatever.. and learn to let myself be happy again. One day at a time.
School is overwhelming. I expected as much, sort of.. I guess it’s just taking me a little while to adjust. Between getting my school work done and working to keep a roof over our head, and other everyday “life” issues, I’m kind of having a rough time right now. I am struggling between getting everything done that I need to get done and having some *recreational* time but it’s not easy. School is important, making money to pay the bills is important too. I try to make time to spend with “S”, but I’ve been so extremely tired lately, and I know eventually, if he hasn’t already, he’ll get bored with me or start talking to someone else and that’ll be that. I won’t deny that it bugs me.. because of course it does, but it is what it is. I don’t have all this free time like he does. I didn’t before either, but now with school.. it’s even worse. So yeah, I have to stay focused and try to get my school work done. I am an adult with adult responsibilities after all, as much as that sucks.
I feel disconnected. I feel like I don’t relate to anyone and no one relates to me. I have all of these *things* going on in my head. I worry about stuff, I overthink things.. and just keeping it all inside definitely doesn’t help. I try to talk to “S” sometimes but he doesn’t seem interested.. he doesn’t “get it” or probably just doesn’t care. And honestly, I just can’t worry about it anymore.. I have enough issues right now to be worrying about if someone else is happy and taken care of when they aren’t fucking concerned about me and what’s going on in my life. I’m not a needy person, not in the least, but I do need to have SOMEONE I can talk to and relate to.. and share the goings on of my life with, no matter how trivial or boring.
I basically just want from someone what I give, but loyalty, true friendship/companionship, and continuity are apparently too much to ask for these days. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll more than likely be alone and stay that way until I die. But I’d rather be alone than deal with someone who is going to cheat on me or blow smoke up my ass.. or start talking to any one who will give them attention when they feel bored or whatever. Being alone isn’t that bad when compared to that, for sure.
I’ve learned a lot about myself and other people over the past few years.. especially this past year, and if I’m being honest I don’t particularly like myself anymore. I mean I’m not a bad person.. Quite honestly, I think I’m pretty great. But I make dumb choices.. I let my emotions guide me when I should make my decisions based on logic and reason. But I’ve learned.. that some people don’t always say what they mean. Some people you just can’t count on. And that no matter how much you care about or love someone, that doesn’t mean they are meant to be a part of your life. I’ve learned that even though I already am very guarded about who I do allow to be a part of my life, I should be more guarded..
I just have so much I need to work on MYSELF. I have goals that I want to achieve, not just with school and a career path, but personal goals. For one, I want to lose weight, for ME, not because I feel like I have to in order to make someone else happy or care about me.. (You can’t make someone care about you, no matter what you look like anyways.) which I think was my biggest mistake. I was trying to change myself for someone else.. someone who didn’t respect nor care about me enough to make me a priority when I’ve always made him a priority… I need to change for ME, and I’m working on it. It’s hard because I don’t always feel like I’m “worth it” anymore. I let someone else’s behavior, and the way they treated me determine how I felt about myself.. another mistake. I want to be better.. but I also have to realize that just because I look a certain way, or am “different” or “weird” or “awkward” or any of the other things that make me ME.. it doesn’t make me unworthy. It doesn’t make me unlikable or unlovable, and even if someone lies to me or cheats on me or treats me like I’m inadequate or not good enough.. that doesn’t make it true, it doesn’t make me not good enough. Because I AM.
Eh.. I digress.
School is hard, yeah, but if I put the work in now.. in two years I’ll be done right at the same time my son graduates. I won’t have to worry about staying in this school district. I can go wherever I want.. with whomever I want.. and do whatever I want. Two years isn’t that far away, it’ll go fast. It’ll be worth it in the long run, but right now, it’s kicking the shit out of me.
School starts in 11 days, for me and for my son. I’m excited and nervous. Part of me feels like I’m too old to be in college, having a kid who is a junior in high school and also taking college classes himself. But then I tell myself at least I’m trying.. and hopefully I don’t fail.
I finally got all my classes worked out so that I could take them all online. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to do that, because all of the 100% online classes that I needed to take were full and the classes were closed. At least I won’t have this problem next semester.
I’m looking forward to school.. to having something to do that makes me feel productive or like I’m actually working towards something. The past year or year and a half has been kind of a downward spiral of depression and self-loathing and I so badly want to get out of it, and this is the first step towards that.
I know that going back to school isn’t going to make everything better. There are many things I need to work on or change, and this is just the start. I’m not happy.. with so many aspects of my life. Relationship, family, work, finances, my weight.. Pretty much everything needs to change.
It’s not going to be easy.. and adding to the fact that I’m in this alone doesn’t help. I don’t have a good support system at all, as far as friends/family or whatever. There’s no one in my life who I can talk to about what I’m going through.. because no one understands and no one can relate. At least no one that I know. It’s a shitty feeling.. but I do know that I am tired of going to sleep feeling sad, I’m tired of feeling alone. I’m tired of waking up and feeling like I have no reason to be awake.
So yeah, school. School is a start.
One thing at a time, one day at a time.
Well, apparently most of the classes I need to take this semester are already closed. Except for one. This isn’t great news. Since I don’t have a vehicle right now I am limited to taking online classes and I really REALLY want to graduate in 2 years, so I absolutely must take at least 4 classes this semester. So I spent the last couple of days e-mailing the instructors of some of the classes I need to see if they would be willing to add me to their online classes even though they are full. One of them replied today saying they don’t take additional students in their online classes. That sucks but honestly I read the reviews on that particular instructor and students said she was quite mean and impersonal, so it’s not surprising. I have about 10 other choices so I’ll just wait and see what they say.
It’s sad and scary to think that you never really know what a person is really thinking.. or how they truly feel towards you. Everything they say to you could be a huge lie. They simply say what they say just to say it. Or they tell you things they think you need or want to hear to keep you around until someone ‘better’ comes along. Because having ‘someone’ is better to them than being completely alone..
It’s also sad and scary that they just don’t care how toying with someone’s emotions, and making them feel ‘less than’ or ‘not good enough’ affects them. It’s completely screwed up to do that to another human being.
Just some random stuff.. because it’s easier this way.
It sucks that I didn’t pass that stupid math test.. I kinda knew I wouldn’t but I still hoped I would. Now I have to either take a refresher, non-credit class, or I’ll have to get a tutor and retake the test before Spring registration.. luckily my son is a freaking math genius and can tutor me in college algebra.
I’m excited to be going back to school. I really am, but I’m also kind of nervous.. because I have to maintain a “C” in every upper level class and also because it’s going to be a lot of work. I don’t want to fail or screw it up.
I’ll be glad when my son is out of school, and I’m done with my schooling so I can finally move away from here. Where I’m moving to yet, I don’t know.. but I have no family here anymore, except my mother and her shitbag live-in (who live about an hour away), and they don’t count.
I really hate this apartment.. I wouldn’t mind finding another place to live for the next couple of years until the kiddo and I are both done with school. This place is falling apart and they don’t ever fix anything.
I’m tired of being depressed/unhappy.. It’s hard to get motivated to DO anything when a person is unhappy. I feel drained of energy most days, and I don’t know if it’s because of that or my iron, or a combination of both. I know low iron/anemia can actually make “depression” worse.. but idk. Plus.. there are other things that I know are making me feel down, “relationship” issues, not having anyone to talk to, financial issues. It’s all overwhelming. I don’t even feel interested in sex.. not like I was having sex but I don’t even feel the urge or the drive or whatever it is. And it doesn’t even matter really.
I need a car. Not having a car makes life harder than it would be otherwise. I know that I’ll get one within he next couple of months. I don’t even really miss my old car. It had so many problems.
I want/need to lose weight. This past year has been pretty bad, emotionally.. and I have come to realize that I am one of those people that eats when they get upset or unhappy or stressed.. so I’ve gained weight this past year and it makes me angry, frustrated and feel “less than.” I already have enough issues with feeling not good enough.
I really do wish I had someone I could talk to about stuff.. EVERYTHING. But the only person I really talk to is Seth and it’s clear we can’t really talk about anything “important” without getting upset.. so yeah, it’s best that we just don’t.
Emotional games, I’m so tired of them. It’s not fair how things get turned around on me all the time, any time I try to talk to Seth about our “relationship” or friendship or whatever it is.. he always makes it seem like it’s all me. He puts me on the defensive, and I’m sick of it. It’s like he thinks I’m fucking stupid. I get he’s used to fucking with stupid ass little girls in their 20s.. maybe that’s what he needs honestly, because I’m not going to sit back and let him manipulate me into feeling like “THIS” is okay and that any problems I have with it are my own doing, and feeling “not good enough” has nothing to do with him because he “can’t make me feel any type of way.” Such bullshit, such a cop out. Yep, all me. That’s something I want to write about in more detail but not right now.
And about the “relationship,” who does he think he is to act the way he does…? When my kid asked me if we were in a relationship, he got all fucking weird about it.. but he turned it around on me, as usual.. saying he was annoyed because I said “no.” Lol.. so when people ask me if I have a boyfriend I’m supposed to LIE to them and say yes? He wants me to be loyal to him, make him feel special.. but when he’s talking to someone and they ask about me I’m “a friend.” Fuck that. I have tried to talk to him about all of it several times but it always ends the same.. he gets mad and we just stop talking about it. And it’s just annoying and even HURTFUL when he says the shit he says.. “I love you.” “I want to be with you.” He says he sees us together in the future.. blah blah blah de fucking blah. It’s all such bullshit. I don’t understand how a person can say things like that to someone when they don’t mean it. And then gets upset when I voice my disbelief or distrust…? I’m not okay with it. I deserve someone who actually does love me in return, and who doesn’t just tell me what they think I want or need to hear.. and who doesn’t want me “on the down low” but claims me as “just a friend.” But when asked if I’m single, I’m supposed to say “no, I have a boyfriend” Nope. There’s someone out there for everyone, or so I’m told.. and I know for a fact that I can find someone who will love me and actually want to be in a relationship with me FOR REAL.. and if not, so be it. I’m okay with staying single. But if he really expects loyalty from me.. or that I will just be there for him and be okay with being alone until he finds someone he actually does want to be with.. he’s mistaken. I deserve more than that. I realize that I’m not the most physically attractive person and yep, he could find someone who looks way better than me.. but I am a good person and I know what I have to offer, and I’ll have no problem finding someone who would be happy and proud to be with me and actually CLAIM me and not say I’m their “friend.” Bottom line is I want an actual MAN who, when some stupid ass whore asks “who is she?” he won’t say “a friend.” I want someone who I know I don’t have to worry about cheating on me.. or blowing me off when he gets bored or when someone better or prettier comes along. I want someone I can count on for the long haul.. and if I can’t have that.. with him or anyone, I’m okay with it. But I’d rather be single the rest of my life, and die fucking alone than be with someone I don’t trust, and have to constantly worry about. ,
But hey, at least I have my doggie.
I’m so ready for things/life to get better. For sure.