I think this is the end

Tuesday - May 23, 2017 @ 2:25 am

Walking away from someone you love is so hard. But sometimes you just have to.

I’ve been crying most of the night but I know that it won’t always be like that.

I just wish things didn’t get the way they did.

I miss playing video games with him, watching movies, spending time together without all the bullshit.

I miss when we enjoyed each other’s company.

I miss falling asleep with him, and feeling comfort just knowing he was there..instead of crying myself to sleep like some loser because of all the damaging hateful words. From both of us.. not just him. We are both at fault for that.

I miss when there  wasn’t all the snide remarks and distrust.

I miss when he wasn’t so goddamn hateful towards me.

I miss when I could talk to him about anything and when he really was ‘my person’ and didn’t judge me or use the things I told him against me.

I miss when his voice felt like home. When just talking to him.. hearing his voice.. made me feel centered and calm.

I miss when we were actually truly FRIENDS.

I miss the hours we’d talk about nothing and everything and laugh and not get angry at little stupid things and not fight about the same shit over and over.

I wish.. so many things were different.

I wish I could be myself and that myself was good enough.

I wish I wasn’t taken for granted so damn much.

I wish I was better..

I wish he was happy.

I understand he needs to work on himself and I hope that he gets to a good place and gets his life on track, I sincerely do.

But honestly, what’s the point in us trying to work things out or being in a relationship when he blatantly said he can’t even be there for me when I need someone to talk to or can’t be there period because he is just “too fucked up?” That’s such a bullshit excuse. A cop out. A way to still not have to do anything or put forth any effort..

I mean if I can’t talk to him.. then what else is there?

My throat hurts. My head hurts. My heart hurts…

God I really wish things were different.

I wish I wasn’t in so much pain right now.

Tomorrow is another day though..

As days go by…

Sunday - May 21, 2017 @ 8:30 pm

Each day that goes by will get easier. It’s not like he’s made any efforts to communicate with me either, as I expected that he wouldn’t. On one hand, I’m okay with it.. on the other, it does make my heart hurt. It won’t always hurt though.. I at least I know that I have that to look forward to.

I’m not sure how he can view what we are doing as being in any type of relationship. In thinking back from what I know of his past relationships, I think this is normal for him. In regards to his past relationships, he used to tell me shit like “I haven’t spoken to her all weekend.. I don’t even know where she is.” All the while checking her Facebook to see what she’s up to. This is just how he handles things. I’m not sure in what part of his brain does he think that it’s the right way to handle it.. nor do I understand how he thinks that it’s healthy or would work anything out. It never really worked for him in the past but there again, he’s not really trying to change anything that he does. He just likes to SAY that he’s changing.

What he does to people is make them feel like they don’t matter.. like they are not worth any type of real effort. Not just girlfriends, but pretty much everyone in his life who cares about him.. and that’s all on him. Nobody can force him to be different. He is who he is.. and who he is just isn’t someone who is capable of having a healthy relationship with someone like me I guess.

I have issues.. mostly from how I was raised or NOT raised. Having someone in my life who I have to always cater to and always practically beg for them to make any effort and have them deny me even just a little bit of emotional support.. well that will not work for me. I’m not even a needy person. I just can’t be with someone who makes me feel like I’m not worth some effort. And to him, I am apparently not worth an effort. It’s taken me a long, long time but I’m learning to accept it. All the crying, fighting, begging, getting pissed off, getting hurt, talking.. is not going to change it. I’m not worth the effort. There’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t let it make me feel worthless anymore.. I can’t let it make me feel not good enough anymore. It makes me want to not be alive. TO HIM I’m not worth his effort. No more “why,” No more “if only I was prettier, younger, BETTER,” no more of any of that. 

I tried.. I was always the one to message him, to try to talk to him, to try and find a solution. Because as fucked up as he is.. he was worth the effort to me. I admit I’m not perfect and I go about things in a weird way sometimes, but I have tried and that’s something at least.

I’ve gone out of my way so many times for him.. helped him in ways I’ve never helped anyone. I’ve put him before me and I’ve always tried to make sure he knew I cared about him. I always considered his feelings in every decision I made. I went way out of my comfort zone to make him feel good, happy, cared for.. whatever. I love him.. so to me it was worth it if it made him happy. It stopped being worth it the more I realized that it was all taken for granted.

It is what it is though.

I miss him so much. I really do, but I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t stay in this continuous cycle of manipulations, head games.. or that term they use in psychology – “crazy making behavior.” I’m crazy enough as it is and I don’t need someone in my life who enjoys making it worse.

Anyways, I don’t want to spend my every day writing here about HIM. I’m going to try and focus on other things..

I just want to find my joy

Saturday - May 20, 2017 @ 7:07 pm

I wonder if it’s weird that Chris Cornell’s suicide has prompted me to start writing here again? I’ve wanted to for the longest but every time I tried, I couldn’t for some reason. But I’ve been thinking the past couple of days.. I mean if someone like Chris Cornell would take his own life, a rich, good looking, smart, super talented guy like Chris Cornell with a loving family and all of his success could not overcome his demons, then someone like me is completely fucked. It’s not that I WANT to kill myself or anything.. I don’t sit here making plans to take my own life, but sometimes I think about how it would be if I were to just not exist and it gives me a sense of relief just thinking about it. To just not feel all the shit I’ve been feeling the last couple of years..

It scares me though.. that the thought of not being alive gives me relief and calms me.

So I guess that’s why I chose to turn to my trusty ole blog. It’s not like I have anyone else I can talk to right now.. and I know if I keep everything bottled up like I have been it’ll end badly. It’s kind of sad to think about that. Seth wants to keep his relationship status on Facebook as in a relationship with me, I guess that’s just for show to make sure that any dude that may look in my direction sees it and thinks I’m taken. We aren’t in a relationship. Relationships are more than just a fucking stupid status on Facebook. We don’t communicate. When I try to talk to him he can’t fucking be bothered.. it’s too much effort for him. I find it humorous that when I do tell him I need someone to talk to his response is “Go find your person.” So fucking stupid. So yeah sure.. I guess I’ll do that.. I’ll go find my person.. whoever that might be. It’s clearly not him. It really is sad though.. I never asked him for jack shit really, other than to be there for me and to be loyal to me, and to treat me decently. Way too much for him.. I think he’d be better off with a robot that has no feelings, no needs, no wants.

I am thinking of taking a break from social media for awhile anyway. What is the point in it?

I just want to find some peace of mind.. and peace in general. I want to relax and not feel stressed and upset. Everyone else is always concerned about themselves, it’s time I start caring more about myself and what I need.

I don’t deserve to feel unloved. I don’t deserve to feel *not good enough* and I sure as hell don’t deserve to be treated like garbage. So I’m done allowing myself to be treated that way. He thinks it’s a joke.. He thinks I’ll just get over it and everything will go back to the way it was. Him and his narcissist psycho bullshit can go to hell. If he wants to act like it’s no big deal, or try to make people think it’s all me and I am “always mad at him” then so be it. I want to feel better and if he isn’t able to get past his own bullshit to understand that then that’s his problem.

I have the whole summer off from school.. last semester was particularly hard for me, for many reasons, so I’m looking forward to not having to deal with school, on top of everything else, for a few months. It’s hard when you have to work for a living, go to school full time, taking psychology classes that are hard as fuck, and on top of that dealing with someone who sucks the joy out of your life because they are unhappy with their own life.. it’s just too much.

So yeah, I’m going to do what I need to do for me. If he isn’t able to be a part of that because of his bullshit, that’s not my fault. I have shit to work on and I have things I want to change about myself and apparently he’s not on board with it or he’s just not understanding of the concept of “working together” or “being in a relationship” (despite what his Facebook status says), there is  a lot more to a relationship than just saying you’re in one. We aren’t in kindergarten.

I’m going to do my best this summer to try and get my head right. Fuck over thinking his bullshit and wondering why he treats me the way he does or why he treats other people like shit too.. to hell with me always wondering what I did to deserve it, or why I’m not good enough. My plan for the next 3 months is to just chill. Play video games, work as little as possible, maybe find a good therapist, go swimming, try to eat healthier and start losing weight again, and blog more… but mostly I just want to try and find my joy again. I want to know what happy feels like again because it’s been a long time.

Oh, and find a new blog. I need my privacy.

Whether any of that includes him remains to be seen.. but it’s highly doubtful at this point. 

It’s all on you.

Friday - May 19, 2017 @ 9:57 pm

“I have a plan to make a change. Do you?”

If it weren’t so frustrating and painful, that statement and the whole situation might be comical. I mean it’s almost laughable. After all of the bullshit. HIS bullshit. He has the audacity to act righteous because he suddenly “has a plan to make a change” which may or may not even be true.. and ask me if I have a plan to make a change? I’ve had plans, I THOUGHT I had something to look forward to.. with him. I no longer feel that way. So do I have a plan to make a change? Absolutely.. I plan to find a way to be happy. I plan to get better and remove myself from this emotional rollercoaster he seems hell bent on riding out. So yeah, I have a plan.

No matter what I say, no matter what words I use or what I DO, he refuses to hear me. It’s always about him and his problems and he can’t be there for me right now and he needs me to wait on him because he has all these issues he has to work on. Well, while I do hope that he finds a way to work through his problems and find a way to be happy with his life.. that doesn’t have anything to do with me. Because whether or not he has “problems,” if he is unable to give the bare minimum to try and make US work, then I have to move on.

He recently told me “You have put up with a lot of my shit and you deserve nothing but the best from me.” Yeah, granted most of the bullshit that comes out of his mouth is just that.. bullshit. But honestly, I do deserve his best and I’ve never gotten it. There have never been compromises for me, sacrifices for me.. nothing. It’s always about him and I’ve just been along for the ride. It’s time for me to get off this ride apparently, because it’s going in circles and I’m tired. Tired isn’t even the word.. exhausted.

He’s never going to change. Never. He says the same shit over and over and when I remind him of that it’s “Not this time..” “This time is different.” But then it’s not different. It’s never different. He gets mad.. he is avoidant.. he says he can’t talk to me because he’s going to “break things.” (What a fucking child.. seriously? Hi, I’m 35 years old and I can’t control myself so I break my own shit when I’m mad.. Fucking ridiculous.)

And yes, I know I’m flawed. I know I have my own issues and I’m not by any means perfect. But the difference is that I don’t take my issues out on him. I don’t make his life miserable because I am miserable. It’s quite the other way around actually. He’s most of the reason why I’m miserable and he doesn’t see any issue with that. He says he doesn’t want to be the reason I’m unhappy, yet he doesn’t make a single solitary change. I have shit to work on.. but I am not so selfish and shitty that I am incapable of thinking about his feelings and making sure that I don’t treat him like trash just because I’m fucked up. 

It’s not that I want to walk away. I love him. I would love nothing more than for us to be able to communicate and work things out. I would love to have that feeling back where I enjoyed his company and couldn’t wait to spend time with him. I would love to look forward to US.. but now all I look forward to is finding some peace and not dealing with stress and fighting and not having a voice in this so-called relationship.

“I’m not going to text you when I wake up, so text me when you want to. It’s on you.”

What? Really? Again, if it wasn’t so fucking frustrating it would be funny. Who does this guy really think he is? He treats me like garbage most of the time, and then decides it’s up to ME to take the initiative? So much for those changes he was going to make.. so much for the “not this time babe, this time it’s going to be different.” It’s the same shit. Over and over, and over and over.

“Changes don’t happen overnight.”

Nope, they don’t. Change takes time. Working on yourself takes time.. I’ve been doing it for damn near three decades and haven’t even made that much progress. (Thanks mom for being such a piece of shit.) But there are things that he could change OVERNIGHT if he wanted to. His behavior. The way he acts. The things he says. He could choose right now to be a better human being and start treating people who love him better than he does and he could do that RIGHT NOW. But he chooses to do the same things, say the same things.. around and around and around the merry-go-round we go.

I love him but loving someone shouldn’t feel shitty. It shouldn’t be so hard and it shouldn’t make me feel bad. I love him but that doesn’t mean we should be together or in a relationship or whatever.. if we can’t find a way to work to get through things TOGETHER instead of how things have been, then we need to go our separate ways. There’s really no other solution. Fix it or ditch it. Bottom line.

No, it’s not on me. It’s most definitely not on me.


Chris Cornell killed himself on May 17, 2017

Thursday - May 18, 2017 @ 5:01 pm

I am not one to usually get worked up over a celebrity death, but this one in particular is different.. for me anyway.

I know I’m not the only one in the world who is affected by this man taking his life. I can’t be.. but even knowing that, I don’t feel like I have anyone I can really talk to about how I feel about it. I feel lost right now. Yeah, *some* people might think that’s stupid. “It’s not like you knew him personally.” “He’s just some singer in a band.” “Blah blah blah.”

Yep, blah blah blah.

I am not ashamed that I cried.. and that I am crying right now. I am not ashamed that this man who I never met nor even ever had a conversation with has affected me so emotionally that him taking his own life makes me feel so sad and hopeless, right now. I say right now because I know that this feeling of hopelessness won’t last forever. The sadness will, probably, just a little bit at least.

For the past I guess 20 years or so, maybe more, I’ve heard Chris Cornell’s voice at least once a day. At least. I listen to Soundgarden when I shower. When I’m thinking about my cousin, or missing some shit from the past, I’ll throw on some Temple of the Dog. When I’m feeling shitty or worthless, which in the past couple of years has been a lot, I’ll go to a quiet spot.. usually my bedroom and I’ll listen to some Audioslave and just think about the words and have a good cry. I AM NOT ASHAMED OF THIS.

Everyone has their thing.. that thing that helps them to feel better. The one thing that centers them and helps them find some peace when everything feels like it’s falling apart around them. For me, it’s always been music. There’s a song for every occasion in life, right?

I wish I could have spoken to him once.. to say “thank you.” I’m betting I’m not the only one.

You really never know what someone is going through, either. We all have our demons to battle. Sometimes these demons win. I’ve been reading what people say on social media and the internet.. which of course is a toxic place to begin with. Some are sympathetic, but often you get the shit talkers calling him selfish and a piece of shit. It makes me sad how many people lack empathy these days. I guess these assholes have never dealt with depression or loss or feeling worthless.. or whatever it may have been he was feeling. Lucky them. Hopefully they never ever ever feel that way, because it’s a horrible fucking way to feel.

Sometimes all you want is peace. Maybe Chris Cornell wanted peace, from whatever demons he was battling. (I can only speculate that his shitty childhood, drug and alcohol problems and depression had a lot to do with it.) He clearly felt like taking his life was the only option, the last resort. I do not know for sure .. I am not him. If he was searching for peace, I sure hope he has found it.

“The lives we make. Never seem to ever get us anywhere but dead.”


Saturday - Apr 15, 2017 @ 8:11 pm

I wonder if anyone would even notice or care if I just ceased to exist.


But I guess that’s my fault.

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Dear Blog, it’s me. I’m back with more on the emotional rollercoaster that is my life.

Sunday - Apr 9, 2017 @ 1:50 pm

It’s really been nearly five months since I’ve written anything here. Five months.. and what’s sad is I tell myself all the time that I should, that it’s good therapy, that it’ll help.. but then I don’t. It’s because words aren’t always easy. Saying certain things is sometimes hard. I used to be able to communicate what I was thinking or feeling.. or work my own shit out in my head or on here.. but for a while know that has not  been the case. I need to get it figured out though. For my own mental and emotional well being.

As always, there are so many things I think about every day, and so many things I want to say. So much shit to get off my chest that I get overwhelmed at where to start. I know I’m not normal. I know I don’t deal with my problems like a normal person. But problems I do have, and they need to be dealt with somehow. I just don’t know where to begin anymore.

I’m going to try to begin with the first thing I thought about when I woke up.

Last night S and I sort of had talked about some of the shit going on in his life and how he was feeling about it. I try to be a good listener.. I really do. Being a good listener doesn’t require a person to respond or give advice, just to listen. But I find myself trying to give him advice.. or he will outright ask for it, and then he gets pissed because it’s not what he wants to hear I guess. But I take the blame for that.. he doesn’t need me or anyone else to tell him what they think he should do. He’s gonna do what he wants, and that’s that.

But as I sat there listening to him.. and trying to understand and empathize, I couldn’t help but feel like he was placing blame for the way things are on everyone else.. myself included. It bothered me a lot and I wanted to address some of the things he said but at the same time, I wasn’t trying to make it about me. It wasn’t the time nor the place to say “Wait a minute.. don’t put this on me..” So I didn’t say anything about it.

But I can’t stop thinking about it.. so here I am.

I don’t want to be made to feel responsible for why someone else’s life is “harder” or whatever it is that him “trying to please everyone” is doing to him. (Who is he really trying to please anyway?) He makes these little snide remarks sometimes about how if he didn’t do this or he didn’t do that, it causes problems with us and I get mad at him. Like he got a phone just for me.. or got a ride just so that he could be home instead of at his brother’s.. just for me. Nope. I never once got mad at him because he didn’t have a phone.. I got mad at him because he doesn’t care enough to make sure that I know he’s okay when he’s not going to be around for a day or two. Like I’m not important enough to keep informed, so if I worry.. oh well fuck it. Who am I, right? Obviously no one.

So as I sat there listening to him.. and he asked for my thoughts and opinions on some of it, but then he refused to take any of the things I said into consideration, or he got mad at me and raised his voice because he didn’t like what I said.. whatever, I tried to see things from his point of view. I really did. But I realize that it’s not my place to say anything to him about anything. I can listen.. and I can let him vent and get mad, but I just have to keep my mouth shut because when people vent, they don’t need a response.. they just need to vent. So yeah, I do feel I was wrong there. I shouldn’t have said anything.

I wish I could help him but honestly.. I can barely help myself right now. I am still trying to figure out how to fix my own problems. I am at a bad place now.. and have been for a very long time, and it’s just getting worse as time goes on because I have been avoiding dealing with shit. The “old me” would not be so avoidant, but it’s easier, and after awhile it becomes kind of a habit to just ignore things. Ignoring things doesn’t make them go away though.

God, I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out. Thinking about everything, going over it all in my head.. it’s overwhelming. It gets hard to breathe. I have to take a few steps back and re-evaluate, get my bearings, and figure out what I’m going to do to make shit better for me.. so that I can get back to a healthier place, mentally and eventually physically.

I want things to be good..

Life is fucking hard.

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In my own words; Blog therapy;

Monday - Nov 21, 2016 @ 4:54 am


Random things I need to get off my chest, in no particular order.

•I know I’m hard to love. Probably impossible. Hell, my own mother never loved me, why would anyone else? I keep my guard up and I have trust issues. Those trust issues have been at an all time high the past year and a half or so, and for good reason. I’ll be okay though. I just want to feel nothing.. and I keep myself numb by keeping walls up. It’s just what I do. And I just can’t allow myself to let someone in, when they are the reason I have these massive walls up in the first place. All of the mistrust and disappointment.. and I know that I’m a good person. I’m good enough, and fuck him for ever making me feel like I wasn’t and putting that doubt in my head. Fuck him for making me question myself. I don’t deserve that, and I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I’m broken, yes.. but I want to piece myself back together. I’m trying to.

•I know I’m screwed up in a lot of ways. Who wouldn’t be if they were me? I’m not trying to make excuses for it, but it’s the truth. We are all products of our environment.. and it’s a known fact that a person’s childhood and the way they were or weren’t shown love as a child affects EVERY aspect of their life from then on. I’m still working on trying to undo the damage that GROWN UPS did when I was a child, and I’m still working on trying to undo the damage that other people have done to me.. people I trusted. And I’m still trying to undo the damage that I’ve done to myself. It’s hard.

•People who say shit like "Stop living in the past." or "That was the past, get over it." are usually the same people that caused the pain in your past that you are having trouble getting over. No one likes to be reminded of the rotten shit they did, and most people don’t want to take responsibility for their fucked up actions that caused another person pain. Everyone is different. People get over things in their own time, or they don’t get over them at all. It really depends on the extent of the damage that was done and how it affected that particular person. If or when I "get over" shit is up to me, and I will when I’m ready.. ready to trust and ready to let my walls down. And if I’m never ready, oh well. That’s just part of the consequences of someone’s fucked up choices. You can’t destroy someone and then change your mind and expect them to just be okay with it. That’s not logical nor realistic.

•Maybe I am "batshit crazy." But I wasn’t always that way.. Dealing with someone who acts super fucking shady and causes me to question myself from one day to the next will do that to a person. I’ve heard him use that term when referencing his last girlfriend, and the one before that, and his child’s mom. Maybe the reason they are all "batshit crazy" is because they had to deal with his head games, emotional games, cheating, lying and unstable bipolar bullshit. Not saying I don’t have a lot of issues, I own that. I admit it. But it can’t ALL be everyone else that’s "crazy."

•I know I say some fucked up stuff.. I am not proud of myself for that and I don’t have any real excuses for some of the shit that I say when I’m mad. I get so frustrated and hurt and angry, and he just keeps acting like he can’t be bothered with me. He purposely does things that upset me, repeatedly saying the same thing over and over… calling me stupid and an idiot.. calling me crazy.. laughing at me.. the whole eye roll thing. I sometimes feel like I’m dealing with a child, and it’s so frustrating when he acts like he just doesn’t give a shit and wants me to disappear. It makes me actually want to disappear. Maybe I will.

•"Dr Psychology." Really? I don’t even know what to think about that.. he tries to insult me and put me down because of what? I’m going to school and trying to better myself? That’s pathetic, and quite low.

•He makes these little snide comments to me quite often about my life and my choices and how I’m lucky I have this or that. It has nothing to do with luck. I spend most of my day either doing school work or earning money to pay for the things that I’m "lucky" to have. I’m exhausted. I’m so tired of him trying to make me feel bad when the only reason he is in the situation he is in is because he chose to be. I have never judged him because of his choices or told him what to do, but at the same time he’s wrong for trying to make me feel guilty because my situation is slightly better. SLIGHTLY.  Hell, in my opinion he’s better off than I am right now. He has family at least. He has people who care about him and love him. I have nothing, no one. If I were unable to pay my rent, or bills, or got evicted.. I’m absolutely fucked. I don’t have someone I can call to help me. He wouldn’t be able to help me. I don’t have family I can go live with or ask for a little money to help get me through. I have NO ONE AND NOTHING. I don’t even have anywhere to spend Thanksgiving. He’ll be spending Thanksgiving with his family. I don’t feel sorry for myself though, it’s life.

•Talking to me about stuff.. yeah that never happens. He doesn’t ever want to talk to me about anything that matters.. about LIFE. He’ll talk to me about video games, about movies, sports, sex, or other people. But as far as any real issues between us, or anything even remotely important, nope. I need someone who can talk to me and include my in their life. If he can’t do that, that’s fine.. it’s his choice, but I can’t continue to invest time and love into someone who can’t even make an effort to work on things or talk about things. I’m to the point where I simply shut down when it comes to him. How can he expect me to talk to him and share the important parts of myself and my life with him when he can’t do the same? How can I be expected to open up and let someone in, and tell them my deepest thoughts, fears, anxieties.. I feel like when I do try to talk to him about ANYTHING, he doesn’t want to hear it or feel like listening. I feel like I’m talking to myself or rambling on to deaf ears. Or annoying him with all the talking. Why the hell would I, or anyone, want to feel that way?

•I really don’t have time for all of the drama. I have all of this school work to do. Especially this coming week. I have an eight page paper due Tuesday night that I haven’t even started yet. I’m pretty sure I’ll get it done but still.. it’s a lot of work. I did finish one class up tonight. I’m proud of myself for that. Three more to complete within the next two weeks and then I get a month off of school. I’m looking forward to that month off because I’m wore out.

•Friendships and relationships are supposed to make your life better. The people you choose to have any sort of relationship with are supposed to be a positive influence in your life. If they make you feel bad, or sad, or question yourself and doubt yourself, if they make life harder in ANY WAY, then they shouldn’t be allowed to be a part of your life. No one wants to be around people who make their days worse or unhappy. I do everything I can to help make his life better.. I truly absolutely do. I don’t get that from him.

•I know that no matter what happens, I’ll be okay. It might take some time to get to the point where I feel okay again, but eventually I’ll get there.

•I want to have things to look forward to. I want to be a better person. I want to lose weight, instead of gaining it. I want to feel pretty, and I want to know what it’s like to be loved and have someone want just me.. JUST ME. Not me and anyone else that may come long or me until someone better comes along. Me. I am a loyal person and I deserve loyalty in return.

•Even though I have all of these negative thoughts about myself and about HIM, and US in general.. I don’t think he’s a horrible person. I obviously see good in him or I wouldn’t feel the way I do. I don’t wish bad things upon him, it’s just the opposite actually. I care for him more than he probably realizes, but I am smart enough to know that it’s not always enough just to love someone or care about them. We can never seem to get on the same page. It’s frustrating to no end.

•Being the person that I am, the way that my brain works and the way that I process things.. I need someone stable and consistent in my life. I need someone whose feelings don’t change when the wind changes direction, someone whose behavior doesn’t change dramatically and leave me confused and questioning why they suddenly are acting different. Experts say that one of the biggest tell tale signs of someone cheating on you is that they suddenly become really affectionate because they either feel guilty or they are trying to hide their infidelity. Granted, he and I weren’t an actual ‘couple’ but still.. And whether or not he is or was talking to someone else AGAIN, it doesn’t change the fact that there is no trust. I don’t want to feel this way.. But I also don’t need to be told I’m stupid or an idiot or laughed at because I feel the way I do. When a person changes their behavior towards me abruptly, I’m going to question it. Period. I have been on this emotional roller coaster for so long.. where I don’t always know where I stand with him. He doesn’t understand why I feel that way, but he’s not me. I never did the things to him that he did to me. I remember about a year ago we had a conversation where he asked me point blank to "be his girlfriend." He literally said "I’m being serious." Then two days later we were talking about some movie we were watching and he said "If I had a girlfriend.. blah blah blah." After that, I decided that I could never take anything he says to me about our "relationship" seriously. I take it with a grain of salt and just go about my day now. I’ve been made a fool and burned by him too many times now. So if he truly can’t understand why I don’t like it when he goes from just being his normal self to calling me "my love" and "baby" all the time.. that’s HIS problem. And when I tell him it makes me uncomfortable and his response is "Oh well, I’m going to call you what I want to call you and say what I want," tells me that he does not care about nor respect my feelings. 

•We both said some horrible shit to one another. As much as I hate to admit it, I am just as much of the problem as he is. Also, as much as I hate to admit it, I think we are both better off just going our separate ways. Both of us would be better off.. not just me. As easy as it is to blame him for everything and to say "he says this and he does this and blah blah blah," the truth is that it would be best for the both of us to move on with our lives. For me, being the person that I am.. being as screwed up as I am, I need someone in my life that I can trust, and believe in. Yes, I’m insecure. Yes, I have trust issues. Trying to make some kind of relationship work with someone who has shown me such an awful, ugly side to them is not healthy for me. And he needs someone who hasn’t got that past with him. Someone who hasn’t been through so much shit, someone he hasn’t emotionally destroyed with games and lies. He needs a fresh start with someone who trusts him and who can be the person he wants them to be. Yep, it sucks to admit it, but the truth sucks. 

•It took quite a while to write all of this, but now that I have, I feel a little relief. I haven’t blogged about anything like this in a while because saying things out loud sometimes is hard. It makes the problems and issues real. It makes MY crazy shit real and I don’t want to have all of this crazy shit. But I do. I have to own it. I have to talk about it with someone.. and since there’s really no one, I turned to the one thing that has always been there for me. I feel a little better right now, so writing all of this down has served its purpose.

Just a few things, all jumbled up as usual.

Saturday - Oct 8, 2016 @ 4:46 pm

School is truly kicking my butt. I have so much to do, and I guess I should probably cut down on my “Destiny” time.. but that’s also time I spend with Seth. I am just so exhausted. Emotionally, especially.

Seth. Nothing really ever changes with THAT. I mean, we SAY we are going to make changes, and start talking about things but it never happens. I get mixed signals from him a lot. Especially when other people are around. It makes me feel confused, lost, frustrated and angry. It’s almost exasperating. I’m not a super needy, lovey dovey mushy type of a person.. but some still, something would be nice. It’s hard for me to feel affectionate towards someone who when I act affectionately, am greeted with nothing in return. It just adds to the “walls” and the “distance.” I need someone who says what they mean, and means what they say. Oh well, more to add to the emotional exhaustion.

Again with Seth. I’m worried about him.. it seems like he isn’t all that worried but I am. I wish I could help him, but I just can’t right now. I am just barely able to pay my own shit right now. School takes away from work so money is really tight for me right now. I do feel bad that I can’t help him, that’s just my nature I guess. I’m the “fixer” and I always try to help people I care about, sometimes to my own detriment. There’s this voice in the back of my head though.. that reminds me of how he’s never really helped me when I needed it. Or been there for me when I needed him.. and I’m not talking about just financially. Emotionally, he’s never been there and that’s way more important to me. I remember when my friend Tracy died.. he was no where to be found. And last summer when my uncle died, who sadly was the closest thing I had to a father, he was no where to be found. As a matter of fact, both times he decided was a good time to go and find “other” people to give his time and attention to. It’s a pattern I guess.. and it sucks. I try not to let that voice into my head too much though, because in the long run, I do care about him and I want good things for him. And truth be told, no matter how much he has hurt me in the past, if I was able to help him I would. I’ve even thought about just letting him come stay with me.. he’s hinted at it and made suggestions a few times, but that would probably be the worst thing I could do right now.. for myself. That’s a big deal to me, letting someone live in my home, sharing my daily life with them. I have to have 100% trust in someone to allow that and I’m already so messed up and full of anxiety, I can’t imagine how bad it would be if he were living here. It sucks, because not only would it be financially beneficial, we both do really care about each other. But it sucks more for him because he made the decisions he made.. and those decisions are the reason I don’t trust him and can’t imagine living in the same home as him.. I mean God, what happens if he were to “cheat” on me then? I’m just not at the point where I can up and leave or change my whole life around.. maybe when my son is out of the house and it’s just me, but right now I can’t even fathom the idea.  And he’s a grown man, I can’t be responsible for his decisions and the consequences of the decisions he makes. It doesn’t mean I don’t care.. because I care so much.

I am tired of being unhappy. I know I have changes to make in my life and a lot of those changes have more to do with my emotional/mental well being than anything else. Because no matter what is going on in your life, no matter how much money you do or don’t have, or what you look like or if you are single or married or anything.. no matter what, if your “mind” is not right, and your “heart” is not right, nothing will be right.

Well there are a lot of other things I wanted to write here but I have other things I need to do right now.

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One day at a time.

Wednesday - Sep 28, 2016 @ 7:42 am

While I have some quiet time I figured I would write here. It’s been awhile anyway and as always, I have a lot on my mind.

Today, or yesterday rather, was not a bad day. I’ve had a lot more bad days than not over the past year or so.. so I appreciate the ‘not bad’ days quite a bit. I’m not saying it was an overly good day. Nothing exceptionally great happened, but nothing bad happened. There was no fighting, no anger, no stress, no feelings of inadequacy, no crying myself to sleep or crying period. Just calm.

I did good last night. I didn’t contact *him* at all. There were a few times when I almost texted him, but I stopped myself because I know exactly how it would go.. and I really don’t feel like being told how much he ‘cares about me’ and then being blown off or ignored. It hurts my feelings, it makes me angry, and causes me to feel hatred towards him. I don’t want to hate him, I really don’t. And as hard as it was for me not to contact him, because I do miss him.. he’s not all bad, there are good things about him.. I know that it’ll get easier with time.

I’m not worried about him trying to talk to me.. that would take more effort than our ‘friendship’ was actually worth to him. And that’s something I have to accept. I can’t be mad at that.. I know logically I can’t force a person to care about me or want to work things out with me, but I can be mad at the fact that he plays with my emotions. I don’t want to be mad anymore, though. I don’t want to be sad either.

I’ve been trying to keep the negative thoughts and feelings out of my head. I’m trying to avoid resenting him or being angry.. angry at the fact that nothing about our ‘friendship’ seems to matter to him. He’s like a lump of nothingness. No emotions, no anything. Whether I’m around or not makes no difference in his life. I could die tomorrow and it would make absolutely no difference, nothing would change for him. He would just go about his day as usual like it was nothing, because obviously it is nothing and I am nothing to him. And I have to be okay with that, for my own sanity. I have to stop questioning my self-worth and second guessing myself. I have to stop wondering what’s so wrong with me or why he doesn’t care. I’m good enough. I’m enough. It’s his loss that he can’t see that.

I have to be okay with the fact that if it weren’t for me spending what little money I had on his stupid game he wouldn’t be playing it. It bugs the shit out of me that he continues to use my netflix account.. I mean it’s fucked up that he doesn’t give a shit about me or our so called friendship but has no problem using my shit that I pay for..? That makes me feel kind of used in a way.. but I’m not a petty person. I will leave it for a little while. I have to be okay with the fact that he’d gladly take money or ‘gifts’ from me while lying straight to me about stupid bullshit because he doesn’t respect nor care enough to not be fucking shady. I have to be okay with it because otherwise I’ll go insane. I don’t, however, have to accept it nor do I have to keep putting up with it. And I have to be okay with the fact that as many times as he’s said he cares and as many times as I’ve told him explicitly what’s wrong or what I need, he was incapable of being my person… because he just didn’t care enough to be. I still don’t understand, it’s not like I asked for much… loyalty, respect, some of his time.. I mean when you tell someone you love them, that person will have certain expectations. They’ll expect they can depend on you (even though I should have known better) and they’ll trust that you’ll have their back, be supportive and emotionally present in their life.. or hell, maybe that’s just me.

I need that though. Someone I can count on. Someone who is there for me.. someone who I can be myself around and talk to about anything with.. ANYTHING. Someone who is on my team. It’s not a lot to ask.. not for the right person.

I know he’s not perfect and neither am I by any means.. no where near it at all. I never wanted nor expected perfection. I know I’m damaged and screwed up. I know I don’t deal with my problems or handle my emotions like a ‘normal’ person. He’s right about some things.. like me calling him names or ‘belittling him’ as he puts it. It doesn’t do either of us any good. I think I just get so hurt and angry at him for not giving a shit, and so frustrating from him SAYING he cares but showing me how little he actually does.. and from wanting a reaction and getting nothing.. It hurts and I lash out wanting to hurt him back. But it doesn’t hurt him. The only person I’m hurting by wanting him to care or trying to get him to care is myself.

So I have to stop.

I also know that he’s not the most horrible person in the world.. but I guess there’s just been so much damage done, so many little (and a few big) things that have hurt my heart. It’s hard for me to see the good anymore. He can’t possibly be happy with someone who feels that way about him. He deserves to be happy too.. and maybe one of the other ‘girls’ he talks to can make him happy, because there’s no ‘damage’ there..

There’s a saying.. I can’t remember who said it and I don’t feel like Googling but it goes something like.. “People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel,” and that’s all I know.. how he’s made me feel. It does make me sad.. but I’ll eventually be okay.

I don’t say all of this with any type of animosity. I don’t feel that right now. I feel calm. I feel okay. I need to continue to feel okay. I do hurt, and I do feel little twinges of anger but I push those feelings away as best I can. It will get easier with each day that passes so I just have to keep going and keep being okay.

I’m staying positive.. gonna focus on school work and just stay busy with whatever.. and learn to let myself be happy again. One day at a time.

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