There comes a point in a person’s life (mine atm) when they have to say enough if enough. It doesn’t matter what it is that they’re going through, or dealing with, there has to be a point where they decide that they are not going to put up with bullshit anymore. I reached that point awhile ago but then I kept trying.. because I don’t give up on people.
And sadly, no matter how much you love and care for someone.. it doesn’t mean that person is meant to be a part of your life. Or a part of your life in the way that you had hoped or thought they would be. I do love Seth, in more ways than one, but love isn’t always enough.
Just because a person is “in love” doesn’t always mean they are happy. You can love a person, and continue to love them always even after they’ve hurt you repeatedly.. and you can try to get over it and stick it out, but deep down inside you know that it won’t ever be the same again. So at some point, you have to let that person go.. so when is the “right” time for that? For some, there is no going back.. for others it may take a month, a year, or a few years.. or even a decade before they finally say “Enough is enough.” Because some people just take longer than others, and keep trying, and stuff their own feelings and insecurities down inside their self because they love that person and want so badly for things to be better.. so the right time is basically just when you reach that point. Until then you’re just walking the edge between staying and going.. but there comes a time, it always happens, when something pushes you over the edge either one way or the other.
I’ve been going back and forth for awhile now.
I’m not even accusing him of anything or saying anything.. because for one, there’d be no point. No matter what he was or wasn’t doing, he’d deny it. He’d never admit to anything. So I’m forced to make a decision about how I feel based on his previous behaviors and knowing him the way I do.. of course I’m going to think he’s being the same shady person he has been in the past.
History repeats itself.
There are just too many “things” that tell me I should just run away as fast as I can without looking back. Too many games. I don’t like having my emotions played with just for the sake of making someone else feel good. It fucking sucks.
I know I don’t know everything… I can only make assumptions and decisions based on the facts that I’m given and the things that I see with my own eyes.
There are things I do know.. and I have to go with what I know.
I know that Seth isn’t a horrible person.. but he’s not exactly “there for me” ever. He’s a lot like my mom that way. She always claimed she loved me.. she would say it sometimes, but she only loved me as long as she didn’t have to DO anything or put forth any effort.. or put herself out in any way. Pretty much as long as it was convenient for her. And as long as I don’t need anything from Seth, things are good. But any time I’m going through something, he pulls away. He doesn’t hardly even say he loves me. We don’t talk about anything, he makes me feel abandoned and all alone. There have been a few incidents in my life since I’ve known Seth that I really needed him to be there for me and he just wasn’t. The time my friend Tracey passed away.. I really needed him, the person who said he would always be there for me but he wasn’t. He basically told me that he felt I was trying to GUILT him into talking to me. He was busy pursuing someone else. So while grieving the loss of my friend, I was also grieving the loss of his friendship. Fast forward to when my uncle was dying.. I guess I didn’t realize the impact his death would have on me. I needed Seth.. just to talk to. But he was busy trying to talk to another girl. Yeah, I know we weren’t an actual couple but it felt like he was cheating on me.. I mean he told me he loved me and when you say you love someone there is some obligation that comes with that. I didn’t really grieve the loss of my uncle much because I was busy grieving over Seth’s actions and how awful he made me feel. I was going crazy feeling not good enough, wondering why he does the things he does..
Fast forward to now.. now I’m going through some financial troubles. Big time.. and through no fault of my own. I’m trying my hardest.. and I’m just going through some other shit emotionally and the person who says they are my best friend or my “person” hardly talks to me. I mean yeah.. we talk. “Hi whats up” “What do you want to do on Destiny?” Type of shit.. But we don’t have actual CONVERSATIONS ABOUT ANYTHING. He pulls away any time I am in need.
And to top it all off.. last night I get a notice on my instagram that a girl named Melissa is following me. I didn’t think anything of it until I get a friend request on Facebook around 6 am or so from “Melissa Townsend.” That’s the name of the girl he was trying to talk to before.. Coincidence? No, it’s no coincidence. It’s the same fucking girl.
If I say anything to him he’d just say he don’t know anything about it.. or say I’m making assumptions or accusing him of shit with no “proof”. He’ll make me feel crazy.. But there’s a fucking reason this bitch sent me a friend request. The funny thing is she un-followed me shortly after she followed, and she canceled her friend request shortly after she sent it. So yeah, I think she just wanted my attention somehow. I mean why else would she do that? So I am inclined to think that maybe they are talking again… And it would make sense. He and I aren’t talking much.. we haven’t been very close lately and I’m going through a lot of stuff right now and he probably thinks I’m being “needy.” Then suddenly she’s scoping out my social media accounts? It can’t be a fucking coincidence.
But what can I say? Nothing. And honestly.. it’s to be expected and I shouldn’t be surprised. So I have to just let it go. He’s not my boyfriend.. even though he has asked me on more than one occasion to “be his girlfriend.” (Just more of those emotional games though.. and the pillow talk. Whatever makes him feel good.)
Another thing I know for sure.. is whether or not he’s talking to her (or someone else..) I deserve better than that. I deserve someone who would never put me in this position where I doubt them, or I can’t trust them.. I deserve someone in my life who will not make me feel crazy or more insecure than I already feel .
The thing is.. I remember being the girl he was *just talking to because it was something different or something to do” back when he lived with one of his previous girlfriends. I remember all of the things he used to say about her and he was telling her he loved her and all this other bs and telling me the exact opposite. And he LIVED with her.. he doesn’t even come to visit me. I don’t want to be in that position.. and any person that cared about me the way he claimed to would never have done anything to make me feel that way or be in a position to doubt him or feel like I’m not good enough. And that’s the bottom line.
I need someone in my life who I can trust, and who will be there for me no matter what. And apparently he’s not that person.
I am not going to cry over it anymore. There’s no use talking about it with him. All he says is “ok” to anything I say. The communication is not there. I do still want to be a friend to him if that’s possible, simply because I do care about him and I want to be a part of his life. Plus I don’t just quit on people like he does. But at the same time.. it can’t be how it has been. I want him to be happy and I hope he finds someone who can make him happy because I surely wasn’t able to. Had I been able to do so he would actually BE with me and BE there for me and not trying to talk to other chicks or pulling away from me.
But yeah.. I would like to be his actual friend. Without all the sex stuff and “I love you” bullshit.. but I don’t know if trying to be his friend would be a mistake. I don’t know if he’s capable of being my friend.. Maybe just Xbox friends. Or something.
It’s crazy how this time I’m not even really all that hurt, I’m just a little sad and feel stupid for trying to hang on as long as I did.
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